


You've Ruined Me Forever

by wdywa_tfawmeao



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, M/M, Minor Lee Yut-Lung/Sing Soo-Ling, OH YASHA SPOILERS??? IDK, ash is still dead, asheiji, have i mentioned angst in the tags?, i always complain about the amount of angst in this fandom yet. . . here i am, i didn't wanna put them in relationships because poor yuesing stans, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 09:28:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28954212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wdywa_tfawmeao/pseuds/wdywa_tfawmeao
Summary: As the years go by, Eiji's grief over Ash's death changes and changes.-'Dizzily, he goes into his kitchen and pops the trash can open.It is one year after Ash’s death, and Eiji hides every tangible memory of him away because it makes the stabbing pain in his chest hurt a little less.'
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	You've Ruined Me Forever

**Author's Note:**

> Why, hello! Thanks for deciding to read this. Despite Banana Fish being my favorite series of all time, I have not put out anything I've written for it before. So I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Please take a second to look at some of these resources and perhaps touch up on some topics you may not be educated about, or find some petitions, links, and donations you can contribute to or share with others. I'm asking you pay extra attention to the death penalty links as both lead you directly to ways you can help a person on death row in America. (Remember if you do not live in America you can not sign petitions with a fake zipcode because that can cause the whole thing to be taken down for fraud.) 
> 
> DEATH PENALTY:  
> [HELP THOSE ON DEATH ROW](https://twitter.com/erthfairy/status/1349939223122509826?s=20)  
> [ABOLISH DEATH PENALTY CARRD](https://deathpenalty.carrd.co/)
> 
> BLACK LIVES MATTER:  
> [DOC 1](https://docs.google.com/document/d/12NOKxJwH1zTM7_LaiPZCPw48vcHmVGktMgXIKHYWXxY/edit)  
> [DOC 2](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yxj0kSC2-LzINUlfNMEV_Qi-7ZtWCTLSua3Z-9XFNqA/edit)  
> [CARRD](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/)  
> [BLM TWT THREAD](https://twitter.com/cherishingdream/status/1336225453065916416?s=20)
> 
> UIGHUR MUSLIMS:  
> [CARRD](https://savetheuighurs.carrd.co)  
> [CARRD 2](https://uyghurs.carrd.co/)
> 
> INDIGENOUS RIGHTS:  
> [TWITTER THREAD](https://twitter.com/antitpwk/status/1315555071795499008)  
> [CARRD](https://indigenousrights.carrd.co/)

It is one year after Ash’s death. 

Eiji weeps. 

He is back in New York and has been for some time. He still sees Ash’s gang, only Kong, Bones, and Alex really, but no one has called him to check in today. And Sing has not dropped by to bring him food like he normally does every Sunday. 

Eiji considers the boxes of photos and cartridges in the corner of the living room. All of which are from the two years he spent with Ash. He’s been living in this apartment for seven months now but has somehow managed to not get everything put away. 

_Tomorrow,_ he always tells himself. _Tomorrow is a new day. You’ll wake up, take the day off from work, and start arranging everything._

(Eiji knows a part of himself still hopes he will wake up to knocks on his front door and that those knocks will be from Ash. Then this Ash will sweep him away. And together they can move away from New York, and it will be easier with Eiji’s stuff already packed to go. Then they'll live a quiet life somewhere, like Cape Cod or Izumo. Whatever Ash wants.)

The box of photos always stare at him. Taunting him to open it up and look at the photographs. To put a slideshow on. But he never does.

He has a closet at the end of the hall. There’s nothing in it. The closet is also lockable. 

Eiji picks up the box and walks down the hall.

He places the box in the closet and swipes the tears off of the cardboard before they can soak in. 

The key for the closet rests on the top shelf. He grabs it, closes the door, and locks the closet. 

Dizzily, he goes into his kitchen and pops the trash can open. 

It is one year after Ash’s death, and Eiji hides every tangible memory of him away because it makes the stabbing pain in his chest hurt a little less. 

-

It has been 5 years since Ash died. 

With grief, Eiji had thought things would get easier as time went on. After his father’s third hospitalization and his mother's third affair, it got easier to accept. The pain and absence became normal.

Nothing about Ash’s absence feels normal.

With every year, the pain only gets worse and worse. With every year, the absence of Ash only grows and grows. The pain is so overwhelming and unbearable sometimes. 

He has more things to occupy himself with now. He has his photography and Sundays with Sing. Sometimes he sees Max, Jessica, and Micheal. The boys come over too. 

But he has begun seeing them less and less even. They’re doing better for themselves and Eiji understands why they want to be distanced from the past. Bones and Kong have decided to rent a house together and Alex has a nice girlfriend who he’s thinking of proposing to soon. 

A part of him is upset that they are moving on. But he knows it all stems from him wishing he could do the same. 

Everything is finally packed away. This is his home. Sing even has his own room here. Although Sing never acknowledges it as his room. 

Sing is a funny person. He has grown so much from who he was five years ago, but whenever Eiji looks up (yeah, up) at him, Eiji can’t really get rid of the youthful boy he still sees him as. 

Sing stays over at least three days out of the week. At least. Sing doesn’t realize it but Eiji knows he’s staying over because he feels like he owes Eiji something. And maybe Eiji is more selfish then he’d like to admit. Because he never tells Sing that everything’s fine. He welcomes him in with a warm smile and a pot of coffee always. 

Yut Lung and Sing have started dating as well. It makes Eiji’s gut twist uncomfortably but he’s glad for Sing. They’ve been making a lot of progress with Chinatown. What they’re doing is beautiful and Eiji sees that it will matter for many generations to come. 

Sing seems happier when he comes over. He avoids the topic of Yut Lung like it's the plague around Eiji, but he's heard them on the phone when Sing thought he was sleeping. Sometimes, it feels like Sing is ripping his heart out by doing this, because he wishes he could do the same with Ash and it feels like Sing is betraying Ash. 

Maybe he’s slightly protective of Sing. Maybe that’s why he never tells Sing he can go home and be with Yut Lung. 

Ash would have probably told him to lay off. Told him that Sing could make his own “big boy” decisions. 

But then again, if Ash were still alive, would Yut Lung be as well? 

It’s not as if Eiji doesn’t have a life outside of what happened. Because he does. Every single thought is not Ash. 

But Ash is always there. Like a ghost, constantly looming over Eiji's shoulders, waiting to pounce. And if Eiji stops moving for too long, he becomes consumed by him. 

Sing tells Eiji he works too much. Ibe tells him, softly of course, that he works too much. Whenever Eiji’s sister calls, she tells him he works too much. Max won’t even help Eiji find more clients. 

_“Calm your schedule down first kid,” Max says. “Then I’ll think about reaching out to someone.”_

He always ruffles Eiji’s hair too. Which Eiji kind of hates but kind of doesn’t. 

He hasn’t cut his hair since the first year anniversary of Ash’s death. Eiji has always looked much younger than he really is. And in the past 5 years, it’s still like he’s barley aged. His long hair helps a little though. 

His glasses make him look older too. He got them a year ago. The doctor told him he was straining his eyes too much. 

( _You're horrible,_ a voice in his head always whispers. _Distancing yourself from the past. Forgetting about Ash just like everyone else has. Changing your hair won’t take away the bullet wound on the side of your chest, always reminding you._ ) 

Eiji spends day to day keeping himself busy. Taking photos. Meeting clients. He’s somewhat acclaimed. A couple times a month someone will stop him and tell him they know him. It’s rare but it happens. 

He’s had a gallery or two. He’s had a few media coverages. He doesn’t live a rich, silky life. But he lives comfortably. 

He’d enjoy someone to share the comfort with. Someone who wasn’t Sing. Because although it’s really nice having Sing over, sometimes all he can think about is how Sing is only with him because of the guilt. 

It is five years after Ash’s death and Eiji does not cry. He has not cried in a very long time. He is beyond that type of pain to cry. It only exhausts him.

It is the fifth year of Ash’s death and Eiji sits. 

-

It is the seventh year after Ash’s death. 

Akira has come and gone. Ash has been put up in the gallery. 

It hurts a little less.

He has accepted Ash’s death. 

He still is nowhere near okay with it. It still weighs on him daily. Especially in the cold season, where thoughts of Ash curled under blankets are high. Sometimes he is falling asleep on the couch, and he thinks the figure at the end of the couch may be Ash, finally back, cozied up. But then he rubs his eyes and remembers Sing is over.

He wakes up, he visits clients, he works on his own pieces, he goes on walks with Buddy, and he sleeps.

He still sees Sing, though not as much since Akira’s been gone. When Yut Lung is in the country, Sing will be gone, but whenever Yut Lung is gone, Sing is around much more. 

It hurts slightly. But Eiji tries to remind himself that he is not entirely an obligation to Sing. It can just feel like it sometimes. 

He’s also taken on more assistants. There is one who stands out to Eiji in particular. His name is Dave. 

He is the same age as Eiji. His hair is short, and a dusty brown. He’s cute. In a pretty american boy way. 

His eyes are green. But they are not the right green. 

Eiji thinks he’s a nice man. He’s single. 

It is seven years after Ash’s death and Eiji contemplates. 

-

It is the ten year anniversary of Ash’s death. 

Eiji still lives in the same apartment with Buddy. But Sing’s room has now been turned into a reading room, Buddy has a friend named Spot (who is a large black cat with a white spot around her eye), and there is another man in the apartment. 

His name is Dave. 

His eyes are still not the right green, he is more quiet then Ash ever was, and he does not always say the right thing when he speaks.

But he is kind. He has a nice smile. And he cares about Eiji. There are no obligations Eiji feels to have to continue the relationship. And Eiji thinks that’s a good thing. 

Eiji enjoys those parts of him. 

There is a part of Eiji that feels guilty. Both towards Ash and towards Dave. Ash because he feels as though he is trying to replace him. And Dave because he feels as though he is using Dave to replace Ash.

And some of that may be true. But they are happy together. A part of Eiji feels genuine joy being with Dave. And that should be enough. They are content with the way things are. 

Dave and Eiji dance. They watch tv. They read together. They cook together. They go on strolls. They hold hands. 

They do other things too. But that is unimportant. 

It has been a little over two years since they started dating. It was slow and it still feels slow sometimes even after so long. But that’s okay. Eiji prefers it that way. 

Eiji keeps photos up of Ash in the apartment, though there are only a couple. Dave sometimes asks who he is because he recognizes him from the ‘Dawn’ photograph, and Eiji only says he was an old friend and leaves it at that. Dave is smart enough to focus on the tenses. 

Sometimes Eiji gets the uncontrollable urge to cry. Sometimes the weight of death is too heavy on him and he can’t move or breath. The experience of losing someone is insanely messy and Eiji doesn’t think he will ever settle on feeling one way about it, no matter if he’s accepted the death itself or not. 

Dave is confused when these days happen. But he is understanding; sort of. He leaves Eiji be and takes care of house work and contacts the head of office to tell them that Eiji won’t be there. Eiji can tell it frustrates Dave though. Because Eiji can’t explain why he is the way he is.

It’s not really that he can’t though. He doesn’t have the heart to say it out loud.

Maybe a part of him is scared that if he says the truth, Dave will be disgusted by him and leave. 

Sing doesn’t like Dave all that much. He thinks he’s too quiet and not quick enough. But Eiji has to remind Sing that he should not judge people before really getting to know them and he always just grumbles in response. 

One night, Eiji had Dave over. (This was before he had moved in and when Sing would still stay over some nights. But Yut Lung was in the state, so Eiji hadn’t really been thinking.)

They hadn’t even been doing anything. Eiji had the radio on and Dave commented that he liked the song. And so they danced. 

But Sing had waltzed in, smelling like old cigarette smoke and dressed in one of his business suits. Eiji and Dave completely paused when he’d come into the room.

_“Sorry Eiji,” Sing says, having not looked up yet. “My house is such a long drive and that was by far the worst- oh.”_

_“Hello,” Dave says and Sings eyes harden a little bit._

Sing and Dave knew each other then. Dave worked with Eiji a lot at the office and Sing visited often. It was only natural that they’d run into each other. 

Eiji did not tell Sing anything about them dating. 

Sing left the apartment that night with soft apologies, saying he’d go stay at Yut Lung’s.

Eiji does not cry on the tenth anniversary of Ash’s death. 

Instead he wakes up and a part of him feels heavy. Heavier than it has been in a while. 

He leans across the bed and kisses Dave’s forehead before getting ready to go to work.

When he leaves the apartment he decides to take a bit of a detour. 

To the New York Public Library. 

He has not stepped foot here since. And even though there is nothing on the steps or inside that indicates that a person has passed on these very stones, Eiji feels something pull him a little under the tide. 

For a second he thinks he sees the blonde hairs of Ash. But it is nothing. Only the part of Eiji that he accidentally let slip. The part he somehow convinced that Ash would still be here. He never really died; just was at the library this whole time. 

How stupid of Eiji to think such useless things. 

There are no more places Ash could be hiding. Sure, he hasn’t checked every possible location. But he’s checked all the logical ones and still, he is not here. There is no more way for Eiji to convince himself that Ash might be alive. He is gone. 

Maybe Eiji has never really accepted it. 

Before he starts crying, he turns away from the library and starts the walk to the office. When he gets there everyone is a little quiet. Or at least everyone who knew Ash. Max decided to stop by today of all days to finally bring Eiji the files he’s been asking for and hugs Eiji a little harder than he normally does. 

But there aren’t tears pouring down people's faces. Today is a day of remembrance. 

It is ten years after Ash’s death and for the first time in ten years, Eiji feels like he can breathe. 

-

It is fifteen years after Ash’s death. 

Eiji is thirty six. Which really isn’t old. . . But it feels surreal. 

Eiji doesn’t like it much. But he also doesn’t think it’s too bad. He wakes up, kisses Dave on the cheek, takes Buddy for a walk, and heads to work. He’s living well, he knows. 

It still hurts. Even though every year it gets a little better and he remembers to not grieve but remember Ash. The hurt never really stops. He still has bad nights. 

Sing got married to Yut Lung. 

The wedding was last month. Sing was very nervous. Yut Lung must have been nervous but Eiji doesn’t know. It’s not like he spoke to him. 

_“You don’t have to come,” Sing whispers. “Really, I know you must still hate-”_

_“Sing,” Eiji interrupts. “I would never miss your wedding day. And I do not have it in me to hate him.”_

Which is still true. Eiji may have not, and may never, forgive Yut Lung but he does not have enough room in his soul to hate him.

Yut Lung approached him during the reception at their wedding. It was getting late and a few people had already started leaving. Eiji was sitting at the edge of the room, Dave quiet by his side. 

_“Eiji, if I could just speak to you for a moment.”_

Sing and him were wearing traditional chinese wedding clothes. Yut Lung was wearing something more similar to a qipao and Sing a tang suit. Both bright red with hand sewn dragons over the heart. They looked beautiful, really.

Eiji had been hoping he would be able to avoid Yut Lung all night. 

Still, he nodded and sat up. Told Dave he would be right back and followed Yut Lung outside. 

(Sing was dancing with Nadia. Her and Charlie had finally gotten married two years before. He still stops by Changdai sometimes to eat lunch and visit.)

_“I realize I may be over stepping my boundaries and I apologize if that’s glaringly obvious to you and not me. I also realize that what I’m about to say should have come much sooner and not on the night I am marrying one of your best friends.”_

_Eiji nods, unable to speak yet._

_“There is nothing I can say that will fix what happened all those years ago. But I know for you especially it doesn’t even feel like it was that long ago. But what’s done is done, and I took a big part in ruining your life.”_

_“My life is not ruined,” Eiji whispers. But Yut Lung just gave him a sad look before continuing._

_“I’m sure Sing has told you or you’ve figured it out because you’re just that insightful, but my childhood was horrible. My mother was ripped away from me at a young age and I was forced into a situation someone my age had no place being in. I let that hate fester for a long time and despite hating my family so much for keeping me where I didn’t want to be, I became them and did just that to Ash._

_“Nothing will change that. And I can sincerely say that I wish I could go back and somehow change the tides. I have Sing to thank for pulling me out of where I was and giving me meaning. And in a way, I have you to thank as well for being a living example of my wrongs, reminding me constantly. But that's awful isn’t it?”_

_Eiji doesn't say anything._

_Yut Lung looks down, small, sad smile on his lips._

_“If my brothers had come to me, telling me about how they were twisted into the people they were and that was why they murdered my mother, I still don’t think I would have reconsidered my choice to murder them all. I still would have torn them apart and enjoyed it._

_“I know a part of you wants to do that to me as I stand here. But you are too kind a soul to listen to any temptation and act out. And I should be thankful for that. But sometimes, I wish you would act out because it’s what I deserve. You should be screaming in my face right now and I should be listening to every word you have to say because it's your right. You should hate me. I hated you."_

_Eiji thinks and says after a while, “I do not hate you. I just don’t think you being here is okay when he is not. And I feel horrible for thinking that, but that is the truth."_

_Yut Lungs mouth tilts upwards._

_“Thank you for being honest. And thank you for coming to be here for Sing.”_

With that, Yut Lung walked back inside, dress blowing slightly from the breeze. And Eiji followed, and sat back down by Dave. 

Eiji and Dave are not married. Eiji thinks this bothers Dave. But Eiji tells him time and time again, it’s really nothing special. We don’t gain anything, it’s not legal yet. 

Dave says the symbolism is what matters. But he leaves it at that. 

Eiji loves Dave. He really does. 

But year by year it grows harder to see the differences between Dave and Ash as a good thing. And he starts to dislike Dave a little bit. Because he reminds Eiji constantly of everything he lost. 

And it’s not fair to Dave at all. Eiji feels terrible for doing that to him.

He thinks he might break up with Dave. 

Today he does not go into work. He wakes up four hours earlier than he normally does and calls Max to tell him he is going somewhere. He leaves a note for Dave. 

He goes to Cape Cod. 

To the beautiful and horrible place Ash grew up. This place is littered with terrible memories but it’s absolutely breathtaking to look at. 

He walks for as long as he can. He takes everything in and walks until his legs feel like noodles. Until he doesn’t think he can stand anymore. 

His feet take him to a bar.

He enters. 

And there, somehow, even after seventeen years, behind the counter stands Jim Callenreese. 

Eiji sits down on one of the bar stools and waits. 

“What’ll you have?” 

Eiji meets his eyes. 

He feels like vomiting. 

“Just water,” he says, and looks away. 

Jim stands there for a second too long before filling a glass. 

“Listen, do I know you from somewhere?” 

Eiji doesn’t look up but takes the water from the counter. He drinks nearly all of it before he speaks again. 

“I met you seventeen years ago.” 

“Seventeen . .”

Eiji looks up once more. 

“Ash’s friend.” 

Jim freezes and his eyes widen. 

“Still in the same place as seventeen years before. . .” Eiji whispers and stands up. 

“Wait-” 

“I hope the day you die, you remember how horrible you made your sons life. I hope as you lay dying, you remember the youth and childhood you stole from him. I hope your final thoughts are him. And that you die feeling guilty for every wrong thing you have done.”

Jim steps back. The bar is silent. 

“If I were a lesser person, I would have smacked you.”

Eiji pushes away from the bar and heads to the exit. 

“I wish you a painful death!” He yells as he leaves. 

It is fifteen years after Ash’s death and Eiji thinks he actually might have it in his heart to hate someone. 

-

It is nineteen years after Ash’s death. 

A lot has happened. 

Dave has broken up with Eiji. 

It wasn’t surprising. It was typical: both of them growing more distant, kisses became awkward and more of an act of tradition than love, and neither of them were fighters, but tense silences became the new norm. 

They ended it on good terms. Dave doesn’t work with Eiji anymore. He thought it was for the best and Eiji wasn’t going to tell him no. 

Sing comes by more often. With Dave gone he started taking residence in the guest room (previous reading room) at least twice a month. Eiji missed him. 

In the past week, Sing has been with Eiji every single day. 

Yut Lung is dead.

He was assassinated by the Vietnamese mafia. Everything is on Sings shoulders now. And he is down a person he loved and who loved him

Funny, how similar Sing and Eiji are. 

Sing barely comes out of the guest room. Eiji only drops off food outside his door every so often. Sing will come talk when he’s ready. Eiji knows. 

_“He’s dead.”_

_“What?” Eiji asks._

_“Yue is dead,” Sing bites out, looking at his feet._

_Eiji doesn’t say anything._

_“I know you never liked him but Eiji-”_

_“Do not say that. This is not about me. This is about you.”_

_“Eiji I loved him so much,” he whispers. And Eiji is almost too late when he realizes Sing is falling and he rushes forward to catch him-_

Nineteen years. . .

Ash has been dead for as long as he was alive. 

Eiji cries. 

If things were different, Ash would be here with him right now. They would be in Izumo, laughing over dinner. They’d have a small but lovely house with 3 bedrooms. One for them, one for Eiji’s photos and Ash’s essays, and one for a child. 

Maybe Yut Lung would be here. Maybe they would have eventually made up. Maybe Sing would visit Eiji in Izumo, Yut Lung by his side. 

It is too late to focus on the what ifs. But Eiji can’t help it. He wonders if Sing remembers what day it is. He wonders if Sing cries even harder because of it. He wonders if Yut Lung’s spirit is hugging Sing from behind, arms tight around his neck, unable to let go. He wonders if all along, Ash’s spirit has been doing the same to him. 

He goes outside of Sings room and leans his back against the wall. He sinks until he’s sitting down. 

It is nineteen years after Ash’s death and Eiji cries for the first time in what feels like forever. And behind him, Sing cries for the loss of a mentor long gone and a lover freshly dead. 

-

. . .

Eiji is dead.

He wakes up in a bed that is not his. 

He hears pans moving. He hears sizzling. He hears a tail wagging. He hears loud laughter. 

He gets up and rubs his eyes. On the bedside table next to him, there is a photo of him smiling. 

He doesn’t remember ever taking that photo. 

He pushes off of the bed and walks out of the room he’s in. There’s a hallway. He turns to where all the commotion is. 

And nearly faints. 

Blond hair, green eyes, soft, elegant features, and a smile made for trouble. 

A searing pan falls. A dog barks. A child shrieks. And a cat hisses. 

“Eiji. . .?”

Eiji does not move. 

“Eiji.”

“Ash?” he finally asks. 

A body crashes into his. 

Eiji is dead and it is only in the afterlife he finds what he’s wanted this entire time.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it! Thanks again for reading!
> 
> Here are those resources again. Please take a second to look at some of these resources and perhaps touch up on some topics you may not be educated about, or find some petitions, links, and donations you can contribute to or share with others. I'm asking you pay extra attention to the death penalty links as both lead you directly to ways you can help a person on death row in America. (Remember if you do not live in America you can not sign petitions with a fake zipcode because that can cause the whole thing to be taken down for fraud.) 
> 
> DEATH PENALTY:  
> [HELP THOSE ON DEATH ROW](https://twitter.com/erthfairy/status/1349939223122509826?s=20)  
> [ABOLISH DEATH PENALTY CARRD](https://deathpenalty.carrd.co/)
> 
> BLACK LIVES MATTER:  
> [DOC 1](https://docs.google.com/document/d/12NOKxJwH1zTM7_LaiPZCPw48vcHmVGktMgXIKHYWXxY/edit)  
> [DOC 2](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yxj0kSC2-LzINUlfNMEV_Qi-7ZtWCTLSua3Z-9XFNqA/edit)  
> [CARRD](https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/)  
> [BLM TWT THREAD](https://twitter.com/cherishingdream/status/1336225453065916416?s=20)
> 
> UIGHUR MUSLIMS:  
> [CARRD](https://savetheuighurs.carrd.co)  
> [CARRD 2](https://uyghurs.carrd.co/)
> 
> INDIGENOUS RIGHTS:  
> [TWITTER THREAD](https://twitter.com/antitpwk/status/1315555071795499008)  
> [CARRD](https://indigenousrights.carrd.co/)
> 
> Don't forget to drink some water, wash your hands, wear a mask, and do the best you can! You're doing amazing right now :D


End file.
